I was remembering a suggestion someone made, tongue-in-cheek, about how politicians should wear suits or jackets like professional auto racers wear. You know the ones that have patches and graphics all over them showing who their sponsors are? I wish we would do that. It will never happen though. They don’t really want us to easily identify, or in some cases ever identify who donates to their campaigns because then we would really see what is behind their masks and who they really serve. But then that had me thinking a little further — about all of us. What if there were specific characteristics that showed the world who we are, what we are like as soon as anyone laid eyes on us — characteristics that couldn’t be changed? We already have issues with making assumptions based on skin, national origin, sex, etc. But what if naturally blue hair meant you hit your wife? What if checkered grey and green skin meant you were a cheater? What if lavender lips meant you were chronically mean? What if hair that grew straight up front, but tight and curly in the back showed that someone was a narcissist? Or what if whatever clothes we put on for the day and our bodies just instantly became tagged with these clues? What would that be like? Would that cause us to be kinder, to be quicker to care about how our actions affected others? The possibilities are endless… but I’ll bet a lot of us are glad this is just a daydream from a walk.
I was a hot-head in my younger days – kid, teen, young adult… And I mean HOT! Someone asked me one time a while back how I began my journey of transforming my anger and reactions. At the time he asked, I just didn’t know; I only knew that I had to do something. He asked me how I did it. I really didn’t know the answer to that either.
That journey began 25 years ago on my 30th birthday when I knew something had to change, and just today – this day – I realize what it was that put me into action. It was realizing who I was hurting (part of that being myself). I made those people more important than anything else. I just simply made my well-being and theirs bigger than the anger. That’s really all it was, and every time I felt angry, I put them back in their rightful, bigger places.
I didn’t quit <period>.
P.S. I have never perfected this. I still have to do this. I will ALWAYS have to do this – FOREVER. Who I was will always be a part of who I am. It’s important to know this and leave it right there as a reminder.
💜I can take part in your healing (even without you knowing), but I cannot heal you. The choice to heal is 100% yours.
💜Step 1: Self is the place to start.
💜Starting may feel like daunting, rugged,
mountainous terrain with no clear path.
💜Step 2: Start where you are hurting others.
#healing #responsibility #selfcare #help #assistance #spirit #hurt #self #start #path #belong #belonging #BuildBridgeBelong
Good, bad, or indifferent, I’m the common denominator in every event and circumstance in my life. If I get to take credit for the celebration and praise-worthy instances, I must also take responsibility and credit for the lackluster and substandard occasions as well.
The way in was me, and so it is for the way out. If I want more, then I stay the course. If I want change, like everything else, that movement begins with me as well.
Simply because I’m human and share the planet, life sends me surprises. I may not be responsible for that, but I am still at the center of the space created from my own response.
It just occurred to me today, while reading some articles about different kinds of domestic abuse, that the response and behavioral changes by the abused seem to be the things that invite more abuse. The abuser doesn’t like what you have become after being abused, so then that becomes a reason for more abuse, anger, hostility, and now resentment, too. Abusers don’t seem able to see their part in the victim’s behavior and become incensed when it is brought to their attention. The victim’s behavior isn’t likely to become healthier while continuing in that environment, and so the abuser’s attitude also becomes worse. The cycle of the behavior of an abuser and victim, and how the victim becomes more victimized as they suffer from the fallout of abuse is only a testament to the repetition and space that is created by the abuser.
What a cycle.
We all have to be responsible for our actions. But if you are going to be the creator of a hostile environment, it is up to you to clean it up if you don’t want hostilities to linger and grow. You can’t ignore the pain you inflict, the mess you create and leave behind, and expect it to repair itself – and especially if you repeatedly set the fire. You can’t blame the person/s you are abusing for not cleaning up the catastrophe. As a matter of fact, they can’t. If you light your house on fire, you can’t blame the smoke and the ash for the mess.
Bottom line is this: If you set the fire, it is up to you to bring the water and the balm. If you don’t want the smoke and ash to linger, then it is your responsibility to cease setting fires. The other person can do whatever they do – leave, stay, apologize, argue, cry, take responsibility for your blow-up – doesn’t matter. You will still be the same fire-starter. And you will do it again – to that person or the next.
Nothing good can survive in that mess. If it doesn’t all burn up in the fire, the smoke and ash will eventually suffocate anything left.