Tag Archives: apathy

But I Love ALL People

I often wonder if we truly came to realize how much our apathy, our overt and covert racism, homophobia, genderism (or pick an ism/phobia) hurts us on a personal level — would we finally do something about it? If we found out it was making us sick, if we felt it in our own lives, on our own bodies, in our own homes, in our own minds, would we finally be compelled to do something? Or would we still just be stuck on “right” to save face and suffer silently, or blame it on “them?” I think we put a lot of energy into saving face, and a lot of running from the truth… or even mangling it, covering it up. We think, “I’m not the one; surely it’s not me,” and even get mad when confronted.

We put a LOT of energy into this, and yet we think we remain unaffected by the covering up, the pretending, the avoidance to look at ourselves squarely and honestly. We put on a mask when we go about our daily business outside of the home, but when we return the mask is put away and we discuss all about “those people,” and we have strong opinions on people we can’t even see honestly. We pretend (or do we really believe this) that if we don’t talk about it, refuse to give it attention, that we somehow are not contributing to the racism, the homophobia, Islamic hatred, etc. We tell ourselves and others that we just won’t participate in the discussions because that would be contributing to the problem. But…

WHEN HAS IGNORING SOMETHING EVER MADE IT BETTER?

If you let it, this might set you free from the invisible box you have created for yourself and probably the children you might be influencing…. Do you know that you don’t even have to understand how or why people are who they are to just let them live, and even to love them? And here’s the REAL personal freedom…. Once you are able to embrace that, it’s no effort to embrace them just as they are. That’s where love lives, and that’s what it looks like.

We like to say that we love all people, don’t we? It sounds right, and feels good to say — even seems logical. For added theatrics or emphasis, we even wave our hand when we say it as if we’re brushing off how ridiculous it is to even have to say it out loud.

  • You have a good relationship with your Black neighbor, and your kids even play together.
    • But do you love Black PEOPLE?
  • That Muslim woman in the next cubicle is hilarious, and you frequently lunch together.
    • But do you love Muslim PEOPLE?
  • The Mexican woman who babysits your children during the past four summers is a wonderful addition to your lives and with whom you entrust your children. She even teaches them Spanish!
    • But do you love Mexican PEOPLE?
  • You’re nice to Emily, the transgender checker at the grocery store that you look forward to seeing every week.
    • But do you love transgender PEOPLE?
  • Your love your cousin who is gay and you get along great with him and his husband.
    • But do you love gay PEOPLE?

I’m sure you’re onto me by now, and may have already begun making excuses before you reached the end of the list or stopped reading the list altogether. Hopefully none of that’s true and you get the point. But if it is true, I hope you ask yourself why that is, and I hope you go even further and begin really thinking about this. One thing that can happen is that you will start showing up as the person you’ve been saying you are. You remember — the one that loves all people!

I get it. (I don’t, actually, but I do know something about this personally.) You’re secretly afraid of what other people in your circles might think. You don’t want to admit it, but it’s true. You’re afraid of what you will lose, and this is a driving force for so many of us that causes us sometimes to double down on the excuses, and why so many of us turn to apathy, ignoring, or defending all the “good people on both sides.” We are more afraid of how we might look, what we might lose, or even who we might have to talk to in a new way.

Freedom. That’s what you get. You get freedom from the excuses, freedom from toxic ideas and people. You get new vision, and you get to do the work of self-repair, self-reflection, and self-love instead of the arduous work of covering up, the laziness of apathy and tolerating, and the sweat-work of defending terrible people, systems and ideations. You get freedom from the pain of giving and being an assist to systems that hurt other people. You will lose some; you will. And then you will be free from people who won’t operate on a higher level of humanity.

Operating from this is also work, but it isn’t the kind that hurts us on a soul level or the level of hurting humanity. In fact, it’s actually restorative on a cellular level. And the best part of all… you will be on your way to telling the truth when you say, “I LOVE ALL PEOPLE.”

MLK and Co-creating Relationship

I know. What does MLK have to do with relationship? Pardon me while I meander today….

Today is MLK Day. People are off work. Some of us are out in community today. Some of us are out in community much of the time, while others come out this one day every year. Some of us are doing whatever it is we are doing and just glad to have a day off from work. Some of us only get into action when there is a chance to quote Dr. King in some way that serves our interests, but not necessarily the interests for which the quote was originally penned.

Anyway, this is what is on my mind today, and as usual, my thoughts meandered beyond that one point. I am usually out in community on this holiday, and many times during the year, but here I am at home recovering from COVID-19. So, I got to thinking about Dr. King, how this radical civil rights leader has been smoothed down over time — made to look more “acceptable” to the masses vs. who he really was and why he fought so hard and for which he gave his life over. I got to thinking about how some of us are in agreement with what he stood for, his actions, his thoughts. I got to thinking how that is very typical, actually, for a lot of different kinds of relationships, i.e., romantic relationships, friends, business, supervisor/subordinate, parent/children, etc.

Consciously or unconsciously we go through life creating and even undoing. Sometimes it’s on or with a purpose. We set out to create, change, or undo something. Other times we are just on autopilot or may not even be paying attention, yet we are still creating, changing, or undoing by our actions and/or participation. Some of these have ripples that carry out so far we may not even realize the motion is still in action, and long-forgotten by us. A lot of the time we don’t want to add our name to the co-creator’s list because the situation isn’t really a good one, and while we wish it were otherwise, we are a part of it still.

I believe that most of the time we are co-creating. We are in agreement by our participation, and even by inaction to reverse or change a course set upon. We participate consciously or unconsciously. As I said above, this is no different for a lot of different kinds of relationships. Supposedly there is a reaction for every action taken under the sun, which makes me wonder how much of those are done consciously or unconsciously.

I tried but couldn’t find this quote or story that someone once read to me, but it was something like this: In a romantic relationship where both people are assholes, they stay together because they each are in agreement to stay together so they can continue to be assholes. In other words, one of them started out as an asshole, and the response by the other (whether on purpose or not) was to also turn into an asshole. Therefore, they didn’t have to face the situation and the faults, it just gave each permission to continue on without recourse (or so they think). It was never talked about. (Or it could have been, but to no avail.) They just continued on being assholes, and one couldn’t call the other out for they would then be called out for their asshole behavior. One’s poor behavior was more important to them than talking about it, apologizing for it, and for sure more important than changing it. Whether it was verbalized or not, a written plan or not, or even if one or both were cognizant of it or not, what they got was something they co-created. They were in agreement, and the agreement was signed off by their actions (or inaction).

What could have been created had one of them changed course? ‘Doesn’t matter what change — any change. You can always interrupt the ripple effect by just causing a change in the ripples.

What about the mother that can’t accept that her son is gay? Now the son doesn’t come around because he doesn’t want to be ostracized or feel uncomfortable. It may be understandable why the son doesn’t come around, and maybe even necessary. Something is still co-created here. Co-creation isn’t just negative. Sometimes it’s positive, sometimes flat out necessary, but it’s still a co-creation. The parent in this staging set an energy in motion and the other responded.

Dr. King set out to co-create a movement, one that is still creating, moving and evolving to this day. Some of us are in agreement with what his intentions were, while some of us speak about it but never take on the lessons for ourselves, as if it’s meant for someone else out there somewhere. That’s still creating something (or possibly undoing), and others will fall into that and now an atmosphere of moderation or apathy is being co-created. There is an agreement — a co-creation.

Friends are friends because they are in agreement in enough ways that they can remain friends. The extent of your friendship with someone is the extent to which you are in agreement. This is universal, and it also applies to more than friendships. Again, this is seen in romantic partnerships, business, church, government, schools, etc.

Our agreements are about creating something together (good or bad), or undoing someting together. True enough that there are times when we don’t have a say in the matter, but then those aren’t the ones we are in agreement with.

How do you suppose this inter-relatedness, this agreement, is found in politics? In business? In friendships?

Whenever there is mutual participation (and even inaction is a type of participation, a type of agreement), something is created. Have it be something that’s good for you. Have it be something that is good for us.

Thanks for strolling through a maze that is my mind today.

We get the relationship we agree to co-create.